she called me about a relationship that ended 2.5 years ago.
she couldn't believe that something about that relationship could still trigger feelings inside her, after so long. she is still looking for answers to a question that can never be answered.

--


we were driving together in the night, and he sighed and told me he hadn't slept much the night before. he said he had taken a five minute nap, and during the nap had one of those intensely vivid dreams. he said he dreamed only of their hands, his hand holding hers. and when he woke up she was not there, and he felt intensely sad.

somehow he knew it was her hand he was holding.

Also- Yo Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, Chris Thile, and Stuart Duncan's
Tiny Desk Concert

“Si le niegan la boca, ella habla por las manos, o por los ojos, o por los poros, o por donde sea.

Porque todos, toditos tenemos algo que decir a los demas; alguna cosa que merece ser por los demas celebrada, o perdonada.”
― Eduardo Hughes Galeano

sat with my mother and talked about trust. talked about intention, and about the inexistence of wrong and right. about obsession versus love, about possession over loving.

about my dad, and how he truly didn't think he did anything wrong. and explanations and apologies. about intention, intention, intention. sex and the city, where carrie lies to aidan about smoking when he asks her. she says "i must have liked him a lot" to have lied at first.

and what is rote existence anyways? and what makes us interesting? what makes us dissatisfied with mundane, yet yearn for stability?

why do we coin phrases like "ignorance is bliss" and "painful honesty"?

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn


And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn


And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me


And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

if you think in the past it has been the "harder" task to give you space, it is not so. it is not about easy or hard, i see now, as in the past few days without you i have laughed and smiled more, but simply in the presence of your typed words my tears flow free for no reason but the absence of your affection.

t talked to me for a while.
she said, write, write profusely, write all the time.

i have, as the mountains of words unspoken and letters unsent grow.

"Love never dies by natural causes. It dies because we don't replenish its cup."

i promise myself i will let myself cry without the guilt that has grown over these years. i promise myself i will no longer feel wrong for feeling. i promise myself i will allow myself time to sit still. i promise myself i will not feel weak for wanting what i do.

out beyond ideas of wrong and right, there is a field.
i will meet you there

rumi.

“Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may reach you.”

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

“Thus with my lips have I denounced you, while my heart, bleeding within me, called you tender names.

It was love lashed by its own self that spoke. It was pride half slain that fluttered in the dust. It was my hunger for your love that raged from the housetop, while my own love, kneeling in silence, prayed your forgiveness.”


“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”


“When you love you should not think you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”

“Of the good in you I can speak, but not of the evil.
For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?
Verily when good is hungry it seeks food even in dark caves, and when it thirsts it drinks even of dead waters.”

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”


the one and only gibran.

i think it was March. i was sitting in the car with you, and i was thinking that for some reason it was funny to have you drive me somewhere.

we were both quiet, and i just remember your quiet heartache speaking to mine.
my baby brother with his new heartbreak, not saying a thing.

i told you i was sad, too.
and you reached over and gave me a brother-hug, this sideways hug. it was like on Big Bang Theory when Sheldon hugs Penny. and i knew it would be all right.

i've been doing extensive searches on letting go, learning to love being alone, lying, truth, and forgiveness. these are searches that occur on Google and in my heart and in verbal dispute and more mistakes, and disappointment.

"For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?" - Bell Hooks

what it looks like, i don't know yet. the shapes, or sounds, or tastes of it, i don't recognize yet. i didn't know then, i don't know now.

whether it seems likely or not, from the moment i stepped back into my home, i felt your presence and absence everywhere. i felt the expansion of time.
and i sank to the ground, not having touched the red towels neatly folded, not having looked at anything else.

the emptiness of having been forced to say goodbye to you once again had sucked the hope out of me. and yet it still took the strength of every fiber in my mind to stop myself from calling to you, from telling you i looked for you at the airport, oh smoldering hope. i searched for you in every face, in every body. in every dream i fought the memory of you.

i punished myself for doing so, because i thought you were already gone. i punished myself for my puny, smiling hope.

i picked myself up with our simultaneous pain. i thought you were gone. i convinced myself you would never come to save me. who am i but a liar to myself?



“While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.”
― Jeanette Winterson