Entonces te das cuenta, que no es quién te mueve el piso, sino quien te centra. No es quién te roba el corazón, sino quien te hace sentir que lo tienes.

E.G.H.

Leave the door open for the unknown, the door into the dark. That’s where the most important things come from, where you yourself came from, and where you will go. Three years ago I was giving a workshop in the Rockies. A student came in bearing a quote from what she said was the pre-Socratic philosopher Meno. It read, “How will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?” I copied it down, and it has stayed with me since. The student made big transparent photographs of swimmers underwater and hung them from the ceiling with the light shining through them, so that to walk among them was to have the shadows of swimmers travel across your body in a space that itself came to seem aquatic and mysterious. The question she carried struck me as the basic tactical question in life. The things we want are transformative, and we don’t know or only think we know what is on the other side of that transformation. Love, wisdom, grace, inspiration – how do you go about finding these things that are in some ways about extending the boundaries of the self into unknown territory, about becoming someone else?
Rebecca Solnit  
(On how getting lost can help us find ourselves)

In lieu of buying dinner, I bought a book of poetry.

And then ate an enormous helping of leftover chocolate birthday cake for dinner.

All in all, I think I make good investments and choices in life.

last night:
"I would rather be poor in New York City than rich anywhere else"

- crazy birthday party held at a Taiwanese pork chop restaurant after closing. ate the.entire.bowl. of pork chop over rice. oh, and noodles. oh, and tea boiled eggs. oh yeah, Maker's Mark too. ginger ale. electronic dance music. dancing.  cake. you know, in the middle of deserted Chinatown. cops came in. no big deal.
- jalapeno cucumber drinks. what?
- the weather oh my god the weather. summer please never end.
- watching my boss try to dance
- subway lights flickering at 2am. I'm pretty sure we were in an upcoming scene for The Walking Dead or some other related apocalyptic show
- they asked me what i wanted, and i said i don't drink coffee, and he said, just let me make you my specialty. so there it was, a damn good cup of coffee at Hugh Jackman's coffee shop

late night kerouac:


We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It's a dream already ended. There's nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.



The world you see is just a movie in your mind.

Rocks dont see it.

Bless and sit down.

Forgive and forget.

Practice kindness all day to everybody

and you will realize you're already

in heaven now.

That's the story.

That's the message.

Nobody understands it,

nobody listens, they're

all running around like chickens with heads cut

off. I will try to teach it but it will

be in vain, s'why I'll

end up in a shack

praying and being

cool and singing

by my woodstove

making pancakes.

What? Learning Nepali dance at 2am on the search for Colombian arepas in Jackson heights?

Yes.

Today.

yoga in a sun drenched room,

then gluttony.

market where they cook the fish you choose (today, branzino) and then you eat it. with a humongous greek salad and terrible-but-awesome buttered bread. And ample squeeze lemon juice. With hearty greek men smiling at you, hoping eagerly that you're enjoying your food.

then, home-ground and brewed coffee. i brought my own almond milk because i'm a coffee wuss (read: i like my sugar with coffee and cream). i also experimented by mixing it with homemade sujeongwa (korean cinnamon hot punch/tea). and we tried different pairings of brooklyn-made (synonymous with self-declared ridiculously artisanal) chocolate.

finally- mate with honey, ginger, and lemon zest. "oh, this is so drinkable!"

and, at the asian supermarket later, "hey, can you make really good mexican food?"
i blanked.
dammit, i guess i know why i need to go back to texas.

the day?
it was all all right, i guess.

Convergence of so many things right now.

i.
Master the art of living:

If you approach each moment, each task, each person, without expectations … and just see that moment or person as they are … then you will really see that moment. Really appreciate it. Experience it like you’ve never experienced anything before, because you haven’t.

and also from Leo:
We can fantasize all we want, but the fantasy never happens. This present reality is all we got. Let’s learn to love it.


ii.
From "Behind the App"- Plex says:

What advice would you give to others that want to take on a similar project?

1. Start from a place of love. This has taken us years and when we started we didn't know if it was going to be a hobby or a business. We are very lucky that it appears to be growing into a solid business. If we didn't love what we were doing, we can assure you it would not have made it to this point.

2. Focus on building a great community around what you are doing. Our users have helped build Plex, no question. Without our community, Plex would be less successful and less fun. Who wants that?

3. Be as hands on in as many things as possible. Our developers all engage regularly with users to resolve issues. Not one of us is above engaging on customer support and satisfaction issues. It is not possible to help everyone all of the time, but pretending that you are above it doesn't get you any closer to the heart of issues and resolving them.

4. Don't be afraid to do things differently. Guess what? There is no perfectly right way to go about building something. We've done a ton of stuff other people thought would be terrible for our project, but ended up being exactly right for Plex.

5. Have fun. Life is short—don't ruin it with a project that isn't a blast.

iii.

“I tell my students, ‘When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.’”

- Toni Morrison

iv.

“If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.”

- Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

At midnight I was watching the owner of the store downstairs perform magic card tricks. At 5am there was an orange glow of sunrise licking at the bottom of the sky.

"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.”

Benjamin Franklin 

"For sometimes you can't help but crave some ruin in what you love."

Chang-rae Lee

Blustery summer morning. Chai time.

i am always torn about lingering just a little longer to hear the artists that play at the Lexington-53rd subway station in between the E/M lines. today, an earthy-toned flamenco guitarist.

there is a sense of relief when something is finally coming together, like my new apartment.
R. dropped off artisan chocolate yesterday. it's taking every ounce of my willpower to only eat one square at a time. flavors like crown maple and vanilla smoke- oh brooklyn, only you. but yes please.

things are brewing and bubbling and exciting again.
probably correlates to how much sun i can see outside my window.

it was all cowboy boots and country songs, open skies and neatly endless fields of corn, funnel cakes and frozen custard, and oh-let-me-get-you-some-pie, hunnay. 

who knows if virginia really counts as the south?

it doesn't matter what it counts as. it matters what it "feels" as. 

life moves slower, the gentlemen are gentler, the sunsets are deeper. though my heart has been breaking for months, i found it difficult to remain heartbroken here. just heartsick for the open road. 

Sure enough, after the storm...

the air was pregnant with humidity. and the sky just let loose on the city. i watched this beautiful lightning storm last night on my 7 hour bus ride (if i can do public transport in other countries, why not here?)

i remember thinking with a sinking heart "oh great, it's storming..."
and then immediately after, the sky opened up into a burst of color for sunset. it was mesmerizing, and it haunted me, the realization that this is what happens after storms lift...

It's incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busyness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it's leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy- very busy- without being very effective. 

People often find themselves achieving victories that are empty, successes that have come at the expense of things they suddenly realize were far more valuable to them. People from every walk of life- doctors, academicians, actors, politicians, business professionals, athletes, and plumbers- often struggle to achieve a higher income, more recognition of a certian degree of professional competence, only to find that their drive to achieve their goal blinded them to the things that really mattered most and now are gone. 

- 7 habits of highly effective people

A hundred times have I thought New York is a catastrophe, and fifty times: It is a beautiful catastrophe.

 Le Corbusier

thanks cassie, i needed this:

“I hope you all find yourselves sleeping with someone you love, maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. The touch of a foot in the night is sincere. I hope you like your work, I hope there’s mystery and poetry in your life — not even poems, but patterns. I hope you can see them. Often these patterns will wake you up, and you will know that you are alive, again and again.”

— Eileen Myles, “Universal Cycle.” The Importance of Being Iceland.

An old one from Marcus Aurelius: "Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present."

in the same night, I swear.

drank scotch out of one, lit fire in another, amongst other things

inside my tent.

Meanwhile, outside: stars and fire.

hand written letter with drawings and everything. and this poem, which saved her, and maybe saves me too:

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes
you cannot even breathe deeply, and
the night sky is no home, and
you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
that you are down to your last two percent, but

nothing is infinite,
not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again.  

(finn butler)

deep breath.

- self awareness
- building from the inside out
- reading on the subway
- noticing all the proud futbol-jersey-wearing new yorkers
- that hispanic girl who asked me about what i was looking at on my phone, and she turned out to be from texas, and then she turned out to be from houston but living in north carolina, and she smiled sweetly and told me that yeah it's fucking hard but i'd make it in the city, just give it a chance. her friends giggled and said she should get my number. she led her kids out onto the 34th/herald square stop, prepared to go to the M&M store.
- they weren't lying. it gets really hot here.
- hope against hope, hope against the ropes, hope rising, hope falling, hope exhaling, hope sweating in the humidity, hope blaring in the sirens, hope drilling in the streets
- generosity, here, take my soup
- this. is not a love story.

i love it when a friend is about to prepare a meal for me and IN ADDITION says, "do you want to see what's in my fridge?"

i love the whole process, watching people prepare food with care and love and passion. 

"emergency lemongrass" was the final thing he showed me. you can see it peaking out on the right. he makes a tom yum that apparently will knock my socks off. 

here is today's lunch decadence, reward for not dying while rock climbing. also for not dying while riding on the seat of his road bike while he pedaled all the way home?! even in new york, where you see everything, it was a sight to see. 

beef pho. 

fresh sashimi. 

papaya salad(!).

and a not-ripe-enough peach yet, that was crunchy yet delicious. 

basically, yes. 

From therumblr

This week is for traveling on highways, this week is for driving on back roads, this week is for flying so high above the ground. Keep your eyes on the countryside, keep your eyes on the clouds, keep your eyes on the golden horizon. The world can feel so big this week. The world can feel so dense and rich and strange, and the more you move, the more you can remember who you are. The more you move, the sweeter it is to come home

catalogue:
- walked alone to the Hudson, hungering for the sunset. found live jazz and sat on the lawn marinating in the silhouettes of sailboats against the setting sun.
- meeting Elaine with the brilliant smile, who read to me about numerology and told me that she tells all New Yorkers to "go. leave. find somewhere new."
- biking to Governor's Island, wind and sun and the Statue of Liberty on the horizon
- samba dancing on picnic blankets while eating too much hummus and guacamole (why is this always the case? you can never have just a little bit)
- successfully sneaking wine bottles into places that don't allow them
- homemade hainan ji fan, everyone fanatically and unsuccessfully trying to avoid the chocolate chip walnut cookies i brought, and game of thrones
- late night conversations on trains about India and books we are reading
- walking on Mott street when it is utterly deserted on a Saturday night
- experiencing sunbathing in a public park, for the first time
- rooftop barbecues and homemade sangria at homes of strangers
- nothing is ever spicy enough
- world cup discussions
- dreams, exhaustion, hope- the daily cocktail

we walked to Chinatown and he asked in Chinese about the longyan. she said that they are so sweet and delicious that we would be back for more. and we nearly did walk back for more after eating them facing the East River- fingers sticky and tongues salivating from the sweetness. shortly afterwards, we found a piano in the river.

taking a moment in the middle of the day to read. and then, chasing sunsets in Manhattan.

Read this on ignant today. Powerful. The pressure on women to look, dress, and behave in particular ways in most cultures has not lifted. I admit that I feel the intensity of it here in NYC. 

Beauty Recovery Room:

Photographer Ji Yeo took these images in the Beauty Recovery Room directly after the women had undergone plastic surgery. Ji Yeo aims to raise awareness for the social pressure on Korean women to adjust to a Western ideal of beauty. As the photographer describes, they’re living in a culture where men are judged on their balance sheet and women by their beauty.

She states: “I have been struck by the clear distinction between the women I photographed in Korea and Westerners who seek surgery. Whereas in America, women often focus on altering their bodies (breast enlargements being the most popular), in Korea most women focus on facial adjustments such as: making their eyes bigger and wider, minimizing their cheekbones and jaw lines, and making their noses higher and narrower. Whereas sexiness is highly emphasized in America, in Korea, notions of childlike femininity and innocence reign supreme. It is this difference that compels me; regardless of geography or body type women are willing to spend thousands of dollars and endure extreme cuts, bruises, and scarring in order to achieve beauty.”

The Great Maya Angelou:

"I've been very fortunate… I seem to have a kind of blinkers. I just do not allow too many negatives to soil me. I'm very blessed. I have looked quite strange in most of the places I have lived in my life, the stages, spaces I've moved through. I of course grew up with my grandmother: my grandmother's people and my brother are very very black, very lovely. And my mother's people were very very fair. I was always sort of in between. I was too tall. My voice was too heavy. My attitude was too arrogant – or tenderhearted. So if I had accepted what people told me I looked like as a negative yes, then I would be dead. But I accepted it and I thought, well, aren't I the lucky one...

I've always had the feeling that life loves the liver of it. You must live and life will be good to you, give you experiences. They may not all be that pleasant, but nobody promised you a rose garden. But more than likely if you do dare, what you get are the marvelous returns. Courage is probably the most important of the virtues, because without courage you cannot practice any of the other virtues, you can't say against a murderous society, I oppose your murdering. You got to have courage to do so. I seem to have known that a long time and found great joy in it."

hot toddies, rooftop films, popcorn at the Brooklyn grange 

good morning

“Everyone underestimates their own life. Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories…they’re the same. In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, loss and yearning for redemption. So we tell the same story, over and over. Only the details are different.”

- Rohinton Mistry, Family Matters

breakfast and lunch. 

my frozen spinach and strawberries made a gloopy mess of a smoothie, so I treated it as soft serve topped with cranberries and pecans and cinnamon. It was enough for two glassfuls and I finished it all. Perfect for my first 80 degree day here.

it's raining lightly outside.
today's lunch.

walked over to meet with M for a supremely late lunch.  we discussed healthy eating, addiction to sugar, my experience in China, politics of Taiwan, approaching living in New York City with deliberate-ness daily, 1000-item bucket lists, whether religion and faith can increase tolerance to risk, rooftop films (I can't wait for this), "why wouldn't you want more of this??", vinyasa yoga, running, jackson heights, his experience living in Japan, soba noodles, the variations of necessary caloric intake for our body types, changing careers, and the risk tolerance of Millennials. 

walked home in the rain, blinking. 

brightened my morning :) illustrations by jaco hassbroek (via ignant)!

things that happened on this morning's walk:

- Asked a girl at the cafe if her muffin tasted good, and she offered me half to taste

- Pet a beautiful dog named play doh which at first I confused with Plato

- Sat in the sun

What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. 

Nora Ephron

weekend picnics. 

T sent this to me over the weekend. perfect timing.




your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.


(bukowski)

i love spring, the way the sunlight lingers past 8pm.
i woke up this morning and all i could hear was stillness. this weekend morning, the city was surprisingly deafening. no street sweepers. no roaring garbage trucks.
i bathed myself in silence. made myself breakfast, waltzed barefoot around the apartment, and went outside into the glorious quiet.

a New York City sunset.

from behind my window screen

meandered through the city, stopped at the park for an impromptu one-on-one lesson on street kali. learned how to take an attacker's eyes out, and also some choke holds. but of course, practical application is... uncertain.

spent the evening at a new lounge listening and dancing to live salsa music played by a full salsa band, i mean, full 11 pieces, with all the fixin's. my knee throbbed a bit as we danced, but it was worth it. who knew that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Alabama Shakes, and Arcade Fire could be turned into full-on hip-swinging latin-rhythm covers? yeah, it was like that.

the look that people get on their faces when they dance. it is worth it just for that.

also, i cannot tell you how much i look forward to avocado toast lunches?!

lunch. toast in oven because you don't have a toaster. smash avocado on top. red pepper flakes and garlic. green tea and a good book.

"dance, and one day you’ll stop walking."

"Desire can make anything into a god." 

— Mark Doty from ”The Death of Antinoüs”

tonight, lies winked and gasped for attention in their voices.

"He's my brother," she proclaimed, and at once I knew it was false.
"Your lips are dry, you need to drink some water," he stubbornly concluded.

At once, I knew that they were secretly in love.

hello,
it's raining and below 50 degrees at the end of april.
a guy named Andrew offered me a ride home.
i said yes.

rain falls here like it's not sure that there will be enough left at the end: drizzling, hesitant, and continuous. for days.

also,
50 words a day is pretty lovely.

"When I am working on a book or a story I write every morning as soon after first light as possible. There is no one to disturb you and it is cool or cold and you come to your work and warm as you write. You read what you have written and, as you always stop when you know what is going to happen next, you go on from there. You write until you come to a place where you still have your juice and know what will happen next and you stop and try to live through until the next day when you hit it again. You have started at six in the morning, say, and may go on until noon or be through before that.

When you stop you are as empty, and at the same time never empty but filling, as when you have made love to someone you love. Nothing can hurt you, nothing can happen, nothing means anything until the next day when you do it again. It is the wait until the next day that is hard to get through.”

- ernest hemingway in the Paris Review

today's lunch. 

sweet potato and shiitake tofu scramble. 

served with ample drizzles of ginger-soy-shiitake sauce... 

with

ample servings of whole apples for dessert. 

lunch today. my mom's ubiquitous vegan mapo tofu recipe. 

i learned how to roll a proper burrito today, and that's where i met D, all curly hair and short sleeves in the 50 degree weather. she rolled the best burrito because, according to her, "i like tacos better so i don't fill my burrito with too much stuff."

we found out we went to the same middle school, two years apart.

she works at bloomingdale's, and her method of dealing with the cost of living in new york city is to compile a list of restaurants she wants to try and get guys on okcupid to take her to dinner and buy her drinks a few times a week. "a girl's gotta eat," she whispered, and winked while taking a bite of her free burrito.

yup.