Monday, October 20, 2014

crushes of the moment

- Thao and the Get Down Stay down- Live at Bonnaroo Spotify Session
It's too hard for habits
My patience is done with me
I want to live in times that touch
I want to stay when my temper beats

Holy roller roll over me
I'm looking for something else to see
Lasts so long
Hurts so bad
But I want love in the aftermath
I want love in the aftermath

- sometimes late at night i secretly connect my iphone to the speakers in the big exercise room at the gym and dance to Sia's Chandelier

- love it or change it

- sweet potato or butternut squash on toast. yeah ok, cliche autumn menu, so sue me

- golden delicious apples

- uncle earl's the last goodbye and black-eyed susie (yes, i totally work out to bluegrass music)

Sunday, October 19, 2014

“Though on the boat I write, I shoot. On the boat let’s face it I’m held. In its waves, its vagueness, in its water. I see only water. Water doesn’t answer. No land ahead. Just water. So my dilemma shrinks to secondary and abstract. How will I live. I want to stay in this primary thing that moves.”
— Eileen Myles, “The Importance of Being Iceland.”

I had the pleasure of meeting Om this weekend, and in the short 15 minute conversation I had with him I could see why is he one of the most influential people on the internet (and maybe off the internet, too).

He didn't make small talk. He cut to the chase and asked me what I was doing in New York City, and what I am looking for in life. He looked into my eyes and said that I didn't look content here, that he saw that I am a Texas girl who loves the open road and skies.

While that may be true, I spent the rest of the weekend reflecting on what I am doing here, really. I do believe that here, all paths intersect. If you want, you can find nothing here- and if you want, you will find the world. New York City is what you paint it to be, whether it be sadness or desperation or hope or anxiety or stillness.

(I also had the pleasure of attending the L.A. Dance Project performance at the BAM. Aptly, Millepied's piece played upon the themes of "Stay" and "Go")

Why did I stay here? I am obsessed with how people connect in a place as anonymous and dense as this city. The sometimes superficial intimacy that happens in public without hesitation or thought. The profound roots that grow from only the most stoic passions. As cliche as it is, I am here as wide-eyed witness to these connections and dreams. And when you go toward where you look, you will find yourself there faster and with less struggle than you initially anticipated.


As a more lighthearted postscript, my friend Nate of Gigzolo posted this article the other day. The title is a bit misleading, but I am taking some of her lessons learned to heart. So yes, though I find myself resisting, I will believe in love again. I will start to travel again. I will say yes to the men who ask me on "real" dates, though they be few and far between in this city. I will break down. I will stand up. I will be nicer than I want to be. and I will take photographs along the way.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

On the train to go apple picking. Gripping on the last edges of autumn!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

today, S. sent this to me

Concerning the Atoms of the Soul
by John Glenday

Someone explained once how the pieces of what we are
fall downwards at the same rate
as the Universe
The atoms of us, falling towards the centre
of whatever everything is. And we don't see it.
we only sense their slight drag in the lifting hand.
That's what weight is, that communal process of falling.
Furthermore,these atoms carry hooks, like burrs,
hooks catching like hooks, like clinging to like,
that's what keeps us from becoming something else,
and why in early love, we sometimes
feel the tug of the heart snagging on another's heart.
Only the atoms of the soul are perfect spheres
with no means of holding on to the world
or perhaps no need for holding on,
and so they fall through our lives catching
against nothing, like perfect rain,
and in the end, he wrote, mix in that common well of light
at the centre of whatever the suspected
centre is, or might have been.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Blissed out from a beautiful autumn day hiking through the Catskills with beautiful people.

My knees and feet hurt, but god, the color of the leaves, the light, the way the woods smell after a good hard rain. Hot chai rooibos at the top of the mountain. Tons of peanut shell tossing afterwards.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

dammit, Sara Bareilles. you're killing me.


You can have Manhattan
I know it’s for the best
I’ll gather up the avenues
And leave them on your doorstep
And I’ll tip toe away
So you won’t have to say
You heard me leave

You can have Manhattan
I know it’s what you want
The bustle and the buildings
The weather in the fall
And I’ll bow out of place
To save you some space
For somebody new

You can have Manhattan
Cause I can’t have you

You can have Manhattan
The one we used to share
The one where we were laughing
And drunk on just being there
Hang on to the reverie
Could you do that for me?
Cause I’m just too sad to

You can have Manhattan
Cause I can’t have you

And so it goes
One foot after the other
Til black and white begin to color in
And I know
That holding us in place
Is simply fear of what’s already changed

You can have Manhattan
I’ll settle for the beach
And sunsets facing westward
With sand beneath my feet
I’ll wish this away
Just missing the days
When I was one half of two
You can have Manhattan
Cause I can’t have you

Every single day I have a plethora of things that I want to write down. I have notebooks strewn all over my desk, and meanderings recorded on various apps and web note-taking tools. It may be haphazard, but I believe that the point is just to WRITE. So I try to remove the obstacles of being strict with myself on organization about what goes where, and what thoughts should be kept in which places. Sometimes this backfires, and I end up writing nothing at all because there is no focus (much like this blog, ha). But I'll gladly accept this issue in exchange for the freedom that I feel.

Today I walked home, got into my robe, lit a candle, and made mint tea. I sat down and began to write, and organize, and think about some projects I want to start on.

As a Gemini (yeah, okay, tease me about believing in astrology but seriously sometimes it is spooky), I am flighty and easily distracted. I jump between projects a lot. a LOT. (You have no idea how many blog posts I write that go unpublished because of this). But I think in the end, the passion that comes with it all is what pushes me through to get the important things done.

In the middle of it all, as I curated playlists, reviewed some of my photos on flickr, created project plans for stuff (ugh, talk about the creative and business sides of me crashing into one!), I received a surprising email from a former professor of mine. He was requesting a photo of mine to use for a personal project. After all these years, I wondered why he reached out to me.

He originally requested that I send him something that already exists in my archives. I toyed with this idea, but I offered to shoot something specific for him if he preferred.

His response made my heart flip.
This is something I think isn't shot in a shoot but is found in a mood, if you know what I mean, and I thought of you because you're a connoisseur of moods.
Sometimes you go through life wondering if anyone understands your purpose, or what you strive to do. With art, with writing, with music, with your every day presence. I was floored that after all these years, M captured one of my core artistic intents in one simple sentence.

Monday, September 29, 2014

late sunday night wine at Lelabar, where we joked with the tatt-ed bartenders about Christian Bale and Richard Gere sightings.

old friends in Williamburg (or, arguably, Bay Area) plaid shirts

dancing at midnight to Sara-fucking-Bareilles, yeah you heard me

brownies for breakfast

the last warm days - soaking it up on the rooftop, watching manhattan not move, for once

walking over the brooklyn bridge with one of my favorite people in the world after stuffing our faces with chinese food

blue moons by the hot tub

when the Greek guy who manages the deli downstairs invites you to drink wine and eat packaged sushi, say yes

art shows

banana smoothies

hiking in the rain to ruins, then dancing underneath the awnings

blue eyes, i don't care

just kidding, i unfold before you

meditating amongst modern art

reading during sunset

meeting semi celebrities at coffee shops without knowing it

honey bee, come close to me

this may not be paradise, but yes you can't help but wonder

anything pumpkin. or apple. or butternut squash.  that's right, i said it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

this weekend, i developed an overly obsessed attitude towards the things below.

for some of them, i think it's a combination of "what the f, why is it 50 degrees already?" (i am used to 95 degree Septembers) and "oh my god this means that i will be hibernating soon for the winter time).

- vacuum insulated containers (fuck yes, i need a vacuum insulated tumbler to add to my collection of insulated water bottles. for when i don't want to mess with a lid and all) and also insulated lunch containers since i'm too poor to buy my lunch and it saves. you. SO MUCH money.
- Milo Greene, Sylvan Esso, She Keeps Bees (see my all-over-the-place spotify list here)
- calling it an early night so that i can retreat home and actually have time to listen to music, comb through my feedly subscriptions, and drink hot tea (assumedly, out of one of my 57 vacuum insulated containers)
- raw cashews
- eating dinner on the rooftop, while watching the sun set
- candles (but none of which i have lit, yet)
- really functional bags so that i can carry at least 3 extra layers of clothing "just in case" it gets cold throughout the day


- the rain this morning
- woke up early and walked to a coffee shop in the rain underneath the MoMA sky umbrella that i bought the first time i ever visited NYC over a decade ago
- two irish men at another coffee shop i was hanging out at shared their rosemary sea salt chocolate chip cookie with me
- yoga class. savasana.
- sat facing Broadway a block away from Union Square to people watch. then i walked to one of my favorite bookstores and wandered aimlessly in complete bliss for an hour
- the rain turned into the most perfect sunset
- ate M's delicious quinoa paired with some sushi while watching the sunset
- early day tomorrow. but i never mind, because i absolutely love what i do.

Monday, September 15, 2014

morning walk before my shift. the weather has already changed.
swallowing self doubt, body shame
rays of sunlight while sipping on a cappuccino. slowly learning to love coffee, in every good way possible.
the hotel doorman yelling out how he loved my smile
busy shift. long hours. good food.
lady blue at the end
eating way too much birthday cake
raspberry puree in my prosecco
veuve clicquot.
eating way too much hummus
walking to the W 4th stop
magazine covers
coming home to a party
listening to angus and julia
tired. happy.