there is something about the attentiveness of suspicion. threads and threads of it.

last night, loren talked about human self-preservation.
that i had to start understanding that's why you left me so many times.
self-preservation, delusion- that's why i have lied to you. that's why i am a coward.

we have such a built up sense of instinct, and it all funnels towards these instant reactions that sometimes we can't take back but we try oh-so-hard to. that's why we fight, for the epic feeling of overcoming.

but that's not why i'm fighting.

i'm fighting because every time a dark hole has swallowed us, you pulled us out, and made me fall in love with you again.

i know i may not have the same capacity. we'll swim somewhere else, and then it will be just us and the sea.